spirit says: *convicted*
As I write this I’m processing my way through, thank you in advance for navigating these thoughts with me (I’m not going to edit this).
It’s Friday, June 25 at 8:49am EST. Yesterday I had a conversation with my mentor that ended up being a hug my soul needed. I was vulnerable in a way that it not easy for me because I struggle with the fear of if I’m too sensitive then it’ll scare them away. Yesterday that fear was tested and failed. In letting my guard down I was about to learn what God has been trying to show me all along — He is with me. Period. No matter how ugly or messy I feel a situation is, God isn’t leaving me. I have the tendency to compare God to people and since people have left or if I can push people away, then the same must be true for God. The conversation I had yesterday proved me wrong and I’m grateful for it!
During the conversation we talked about trusting God and a couple of scriptures were woven into the conversation to give me Biblical context. Since this is an area that I certainly need to work on, this morning I decided that’s where I wanted to spend time. I learned from a message that Pastor Keion Henderson preached a couple of years ago that we should pray before reading the Bible, asking God to allow us to see what it is that He needs for us to see. So I did. The scripture mentioned was Romans 12 (presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice), but I wanted to start before that so I could get full context of what Paul was saying before giving us those instructions. Romans 1:9 jumped out to me and is why I’m writing.
God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you (NIV)
I am not serving God in my spirit. Actions, yes. But if my spirit could talk it would say that it is serving my fears.
Very soon I am going to have to trust God in a way that I have never had to trust Him and I am terrified. Probably more scared than Peter was to walk on water. I mean, at least he could actually see Jesus. <— I almost deleted that sentence because I was immediately reminded that I can see God and I’m still finding it hard to trust Him, so clearly it’s possible to walk by faith AND sight and be shook! *convicted*
I see God in the provision He’s made for me to get to this point and I’m still afraid to trust that He will continue to make a way. What started out with me judging Peter for having easy faith, now I’m wishing I had an ounce of the courage he had to trust Jesus so that I can step out of my own boat. I feel like I’m in an Abraham moment: agreeing to sacrifice this thing I once prayed for, had other people add their faith to, and what if there’s no ram in the bush for me in the end? But that’s not trust or faith though — counting on the miracle instead of the Miracle Worker, counting on the provision instead of The Provider. *convicted again*
I desire for my automatic response to be trusting God wholeheartedly with the hard, not just with the easy stuff. But I’m hesitant because the hard stuff feels like an immanent death will occur (I’m being kinda dramatic). And it will, death will happen (I’m not being dramatic anymore). The hard stuff requires faith and trust that I don’t feel like I have to give. Walking into the hard stuff with God (with God. with God. WITH GOD!!!!) is how faith and trust are strengthened. That experience and strength are what kill unbelief. *yet again, convicted*
The part of me that only trusts me, must die. If not I’ll stay in a temporary place (or state of mind) longer than I need to be. Living in my on strength will only take me so far. It’s Bible that God’s word won’t return to Him void. It’s also Bible that lack (or limited) faith will take His word a long ass time to be fulfilled. *Hello children of Israel*
I’m going to get my spirit together. Who I am being required to become, I can’t take this unbelief and I only trust myself attitude with me. I will reap what I sow. I don’t want to reap what my spirit is giving. I deserve better and God deserves my best.
Truth is, even in the limited space that I’ve given God to live inside of me, as tight and as uncomfortable as it must be, He’s still there. Waiting. Working. Trusting me to trust Him.
God, I don’t deserve Your love, patience, and kindness but I sure am glad You keep extending them to me. Day after day.
